Progress!

It is amazing how far I have come in the past few years since my AH left. I look back on my life with him and I was not happy. My life was filled with chaos. I yelled at my kids all of the time... they were in the way of me trying to control his alcoholism. I hurt more than I think I will ever hurt again in my life. The pain I felt when he left me and the kids and how long it lasted was core shattering. But I did survive..... Yesterday, I had Thanksgiving with friends that told me stories of how sick my A-ex still is. I truly hurt for him and the situation he is in. He is in a relationship with another person who also loves the bottle. They fight and threaten the police on each other.... they have lost friends and no one wants to be around them. It is amazing when everyone around you sees how horrible things are going for you but you fail to see it for yourself. I wonder if my friends saw that when I was married to him. Even if someone would have spoken up I probably wouldn't have realized it and would have gotten very angry at them for pointing it out. I think that is probably where he is now. He thinks he is the happiest he has ever been (and maybe he is) but it is horrible looking from the outside.

My heart aches today for my ex. He is going to crash hard and it is inevitable if he doesn't want to take care of his problem. All I can do is pray for him. And I will do that.... I will always love him. He is the father of my children.

Kids came home today and I always get so excited. When they visit their A-father I get anxious all week. I don't know if they are safe. I don't know what decisions he makes to make sure they are safe (drinking and driving; drinking to excess when they are sleeping... the list goes on). I so badly want him to be a good father, but he continually makes decisions that hurt our kids. I want and do believe that it is the alcohol. I do believe deep down he wants to be a good dad and has the potential to be a good dad, but his kids don't come first. Alcohol and sex do.

It is amazing how young the kids pick up on the fact that they are not a priority to him. My son wants his dad's attention so badly. He wants to learn football and baseball from his dad. He wants his dad to spend one on one time with him. My girls want to be his princesses again. Another woman has taken that spot in his life and they feel it. They resent her for it. When he started seeing someone new he did not take it slowly. She started sleeping over the minute they started dating and he had the kids. It is amazing the damage that two grown adults can do to innocent children when they make selfish decisions and don't think about how their behavior can affect what they think of the adults in their lives. Alcoholism affects not just the alcoholic but so many people. It is a family disease. It is a disease that will deeply affect everyone it touches. I will never date an alcoholic or addict again. If you are... RUN! Don't walk and get out of there. Save yourself!

The beginning

I have been in recovery from being married to an alcoholic for the past three years. In the beginning I feel like I was in hell. Little did I know I was in hell the entire marriage. I have been divorced from my alcoholic-ex, but that doesn't mean the disease has left. It has been a struggle for me to realize how sick I was (and sometimes am). My ex still drinks excessively. He drinks and drives with and without kids (and has already been in jail a couple of times for this reason). It has been the hardest lesson of my life to let go of the control I used to have when it comes to alcoholism (specifically how my ex husband's still affects my life, if I let it). I have to believe that God is going to take care of my kids when they are with him, and that has given me serenity. I don't have to like it but it is the only way that I can have some peace in my life.

My alcoholic ex lies all the time. He lies when it is just as easy to tell the truth. It is not my role to decifer those lies any more. If he wants to live his life that way it is up to him. My kids are starting to ask questions now about his drinking. They find cans in the car, in the house and see him hide drinks. They wonder why he is up to all hours of the night... they assume he is drinking. I don't know. It is my role to educate them on the disease when they ask. It is my role to show them the healthy way of growing up and taking care of themselves. It is my role to have teach them to love their father but that it is okay to hate the disease. Actually, we bless their dad every night at dinner and I believe that has taught my kids something. The first night I "God Blessed Daddy" (after he left us) my kids couldn't believe it. I showed them a little bit about forgiveness that night.

In Al-anon I learned that Children of Alcoholics are only as healthy as the non-drinking parent. Boy do I believe that now that I am healthy. I was a codependent wife who was absorbed by her husband's drinking, so much that all they received were nights of yelling and screaming. I was a sick mom back then..... even though I have my daily struggles I can tell you that I am the best mom that my kids could ever have at this point in my life. They are my priority. I am their rock and they are my heart.