The beginning

I have been in recovery from being married to an alcoholic for the past three years. In the beginning I feel like I was in hell. Little did I know I was in hell the entire marriage. I have been divorced from my alcoholic-ex, but that doesn't mean the disease has left. It has been a struggle for me to realize how sick I was (and sometimes am). My ex still drinks excessively. He drinks and drives with and without kids (and has already been in jail a couple of times for this reason). It has been the hardest lesson of my life to let go of the control I used to have when it comes to alcoholism (specifically how my ex husband's still affects my life, if I let it). I have to believe that God is going to take care of my kids when they are with him, and that has given me serenity. I don't have to like it but it is the only way that I can have some peace in my life.

My alcoholic ex lies all the time. He lies when it is just as easy to tell the truth. It is not my role to decifer those lies any more. If he wants to live his life that way it is up to him. My kids are starting to ask questions now about his drinking. They find cans in the car, in the house and see him hide drinks. They wonder why he is up to all hours of the night... they assume he is drinking. I don't know. It is my role to educate them on the disease when they ask. It is my role to show them the healthy way of growing up and taking care of themselves. It is my role to have teach them to love their father but that it is okay to hate the disease. Actually, we bless their dad every night at dinner and I believe that has taught my kids something. The first night I "God Blessed Daddy" (after he left us) my kids couldn't believe it. I showed them a little bit about forgiveness that night.

In Al-anon I learned that Children of Alcoholics are only as healthy as the non-drinking parent. Boy do I believe that now that I am healthy. I was a codependent wife who was absorbed by her husband's drinking, so much that all they received were nights of yelling and screaming. I was a sick mom back then..... even though I have my daily struggles I can tell you that I am the best mom that my kids could ever have at this point in my life. They are my priority. I am their rock and they are my heart.